Want Some Crack With Your Cereal?
by OtakunessFanFictions
Summary: A collection of one-shots about the Espada's not-so-ordinary-every-day-lives.   Rated T For Grimm-kun's language and foul humor.For the record, we did get inspiration from real-life events.
1. Tacky Christmas Cards

Aizen walked into the Espada dining room. (Or, formal hall as he called it.) He had a pack of construction paper in his hand, and in the other he had some eggnog. Tosen was following him holding various art supplies like glitter, stamps, washable markers, jumbo crayons, a camera, colored pencils, finger paint, tape and safety scissors. Aizen waltzed on in and set the paper down on the table. "Good morning, my dear Espada."

Tosen placed the supplies next to the paper. Grimmjow slammed his hand down. "What the hell is that shit for?"

Aizen smiled. "Today we are making Christmas Cards for the Capitans of Gotei Thirteen."

Grimmjow only then noticed the God-awful, gaudy red sweater that Aizen was wearing. He whispered over to Ulquiorra, "What the _FUCK _is he wearing?"

Ulquiorra shrugged. Aizen looked at the Espada. "SO! Do you wanna make some cards?"

Nnotira nodded. "Fine. Whatever."

Szayel flipped his hair. "GLITTER."

Grimmjow got up. "THIS IS BULLSHIT! WE'RE THE MOTHER FUCKING ESPADA. NOT SOME LITTLE SHIT HEAD KIDS!"

Aizen walked over to Gin who was wearing an elf hat and said, "Grimmjow must not be Catholic or Christian…."

Gin gasped and put his hand over his mouth. "That's terrible!"

Aizen nodded, his Santa hat moving all around. He looked ridiculous. Grimmjow was full of anger. "I AM CATHOLIC! I JUST DON'T THINK WE SHOULD SEND FUCKING CARDS OUT TO OUR ENEMIES! IT'S DECEMBER TWENTY-SEVENTH! RETARD!"

Aizen shook a finger at Grimmjow. "Ah, no, Grimm-kun. We should, because," he winked and pointed his finger and continued, "..you should always be closer to your enemies," he posed, "than your allies."

Gin clapped and jumped up and down like a fricking fangirl. "Go Aizen-sama! You tell him!"

Aizen gestured with his hand in a circular motion and then said softly, "And besides, don't you wanna just be an asshole to them? They'll think we forgot their little cards and then—POW~! –we didn't. Told them wrong. Those sons-of-bitches."

Grimmjow sighed and shook his head. "Pointless."

Aizen looked around and shouted. "GRIMMJOW IS AN ATHEIST!"

Grimmjow sighed. "Since when do the Espada celebrate the birth of Jesus?"

Aizen did the Haruhi Suzumiya wink. "Since now. Suck it, bitch."

Once Grimmjow got over his twitching, Aizen began to talk again. "Now, to make the cards." He passed out the paper and laid out the supplies.

Then, with no warning, Ulquiorra spoke, and his eyes actually had _some freaking emotion. _He looked a tad bit sad and asked Aizen, "Aizen-sama, aren't we going to have our tea?" He was biting his lip.

Aizen smiled. "Well, Ulqui-kun, we are having a change of plans."

Ulquiorra looked devastated. "What?"

"We're having hot chocolate and eggnog." Aizen was beaming.

"SINCE WHEN DO WE DRINK HOT CHOCOLATE AND EGGNOG?" Grimmjow yelled, obviously upset.

Aizen did YET ANOTHER Haruhi-ism. He sighed and rolled his eyes, then put his hand on his hip. "Since now. SUCK IT, BITCH!"

Szayel scooted over to Aizen. "Do you want him to?"

Aizen looked down. "Maybe…." He whispered.

There was a glint of amusment in Ulquiorra's eyes.

Grimmjow stopped moving and froze. Literally, he just, stopped. He froze mid-action and fell to the ground. He then twitched for the next five minutes. Gin pulled out a camera. Snapping pictures, he giggled, "Heehee~! This'll be HILARIOUS on EspadaSpace! I can see it now: Grimmjow gets hammered on alcoholic eggnog! CLASSIC!"

Aizen put his hand on Gin's shoulder. "Now, now, Gin-kun. You gotta be nice t him, not many people can take the amazingness that is Aizen."

Gin blushed and looked down. He looked like an over-satisfied yaoi fangirl. "Thank you, Ai-kun, for the wonderful advice!"

Aizen saw Grimmjow get up. He looked him straight in the eye and then he said, "Fuck you."

Aizen winked again and told the whole Espada to gather 'round, just like Tim Gunn from Project Runway. "PICTURE TIME!"

(AUTHOR NOTE: I will upload this picture when I draw it.)

The Espada took a family like picture, Aizen forcefully hugging Grimmjow. Grimmjow as trying to get away.

Soon, there was tacky-as-all-hell Christmas cards for the Captains. Aizen clapped his hands together. "Yay~! Let's send em!"

Byakuya sleepily walked out into the sunlight. Even though it was twelve P.M., he was tired. "CAAAPPTAAAIIN KUUUCCCHHHIIKKKIIII!" Toshiro was running towards him.

"What, Captain Hitsugaya?" Byakuya rubbed his eye.

"Tacky-as-shit-Christmas-Cards-From-The-Espada.."

"Christmas? It's December Twenty-Seventh!"

"They're lazy ass-holes."

Byakuya opened the card.

Merry Christmas from your mortal enemies at Hueco Mundo

Dear Captain Kuchiki~

Merry Christmas~! (Unless you're an atheist like Grimmjow.) You suck! We all hate you. You must not have many girls after you, like I do. You are ugly as shit. We think that you are a piece of shit. Gin hates you. I hate you. Ulquiorra hates you. (Even though he has no emotion, I made him say 'no.')

Hope your Christmas is full of holiday cheer and joy.

Love, The Espada

-Insert Pic of Aizen Haruhi-winking here-

Byakuya froze, fell to the ground and twitched.

"C-captain Kuchiki! What's wro—" Toshiro then saw the deathly picture and fell and twitched.

Aizen laughed. "Just as planned…."  
"Bitches!"


	2. Want Some Crack With Your Cereal?

Crack with Your Cereal

**THANK YOU TO OUR FIRST, MOST FAVORITE FAN, PRINCESSOFD! WE THINK YOU'RE GREAT, AND HOPE YOU WANT SOME CRACK WITH YOUR CEREAL! (Honestly, we came up with this at four A.M. eating Rice Krispies. X3)**

It was four o'clock in the morning and Grimmjow was laying in bed. He sighed. _Why can't I fall asleep? Shit. _He heard a knock on his door, followed by Aizen coming in. "Grimm-kuun, Grimm-kuun~"

Grimmjow pulled the pillow over his head. "What?"

Aizen sat on his bed. "Are you up?"

Grimmjow turned to face Aizen. "What the hell do you think?"

Aizen bounced a bit. "Come on, do you want some cereal? I know you've been up long, aren't you hungry?"

Grimmjow noticed his growling stomach. _Heh. Funny, I have a hole in my stomach, how does it growl? _"Yeah. Sure."

Grimmjow got up and Aizen hopped. "Come on, Grimm-kun! We need to be quiet!"

He sighed and Aizen grabbed an apron from the closet in the hall. "What the hell do you need that for?"

Aizen did the Haruhi-wink, but Grimmjow dodged, so it wasn't super effective. "What the hell?"

Aizen pulled out a chef hat from the closet aswell, and placed it on top of his head. He also took out goggles and put them on. He got oven mitts and took out the bowls and Rice Krispies cereal. "And can you explain to me WHY the hell are you wearing all of that?" Grimmjow face-palmed.

"The apron is to protect my white clothes, the goggles so the cereal doesn't get in my eyes, the mitts, because the milk is extremely cold, and I don't wanna get frostburn."

"And the hat?"

"The hat?"

"Yes. The hat."

Aizen did the Haruhi-wink. Grimmjow dodged. "It looks cool~!"

Aizen poured cereal into the bowls, and then poured in the milk. Grimmjow stood there. Then, when Aizen took out the sugar, he said, "Do you want some crack with your cereal?"  
Grimmjow's eyes widened. "Uhh.."  
Aizen took a spoon and carefully took out the white powder. It looked like sugar. Grimmjow wasn't sure if Aizen was kidding or not. It was ridiculous. Aizen is the kind of guy that looks high all the time though. Grimmjow nodded and Aizen took out another spoon. He dipped in into the 'sugar' jar and carefully took out the powder as if his life depended on it. "Uhh, Aizen-sama—"

Aizen hushed him, but then thrust the spoon back into the jar.* "WE HAVE CEREAL!"

"Uhh, thanks, Aizen-sama."

Grimmjow took a bite of the cereal. He ate it quickly. _Why is this shit so addicting? OH. FUCK. CRACK? _Aizen had already gotten a second bowl. He spooned the 'sugar' into his bowl.

And so, Grimmjow went to rehab.

Then, Aizen left because it really was just sugar.

*That was NOT meant to sound dirty, but I re-read it and it does.


	3. ShamWow Bitch!

1

A UPS delivery truck pulled up to the Espada hideout. Grimmjow looked at Aizen. "What is that?"

Aizen smiled. "A UPS truck, dumbass."

Grimmjow yelled, "I KNOW THAT, FUCKING RETARD! How the fuck did it get here?"

"It just did."

"How?"

"I ain't no rocket scientist, Kitty-cat."

Grimmjow sighed angrily and facepalmed. The dude who was driving the truck got out, holding a package.

"Uhhm, one delivery for Mr. Sosuke...Aizen?"

Aizen smiled. "Yep~ That's mee~!"

The guy handed him a box. "Enjoy your product."

When he got back into the truck, it started to drive off, but then a hollow came and ate the truck, along with the driver.

"Lucky that wasn't me, eh?"

"What the hell, are you Canadian?"

"No. Suck it, bitch."

The duo went back into the Espada's hideout. Ulquiorra spilled juice on the table. "Oh dear."

Aizen gasped happily, and pulled out a Sham-WOW from the box. "SHAM WOW~!"

He wiped the juice off the table and on to Ulquiorra's shirt. "IT WORKS!"

Ulquiorra looked down at his shirt and Grimmjow noticed tears starting to well up in his eyes. "My shirt...I've had this for the past two years...Aizen...WHY?"

Aizen shrugged and giggled. "My Sham-Wow works!"

Grimmjow boiled up with anger. "YEAH, WORKED IN MAKING ULQUIORRA CRY!" He walked to Ulquiorra and hugged him.

Aizen merely giggled and got out a bottle of wine. He popped the cork and poured a glass. He went to take a sip when Grimmjow walked over to him and hit the glass, causing the wine to splash onto his shirt. Calmly, Aizen poured another glass and splashed it onto Grimmjow's shirt. "Heehee, you look glittery."

Szayel burst through the door. He grabbed some glitter from his pocket and tossed it into the air. His shirt and pants were covered with glitter. "DID SOMEONE SAY GLITTER?"

"Yes, Glitter-kun. And now we need Bleach."


	4. BLEACH!

Aizen, Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, and Szayel walked into the laundry room to wash their wine and glitter covered shirts.

Aizen started up the washing machine and took off his shirt and put it in. He gestured for the other boys to do the same.

"Hey Grimmjow… Could you hand me the **bleach**?" Aizen asked. Grimmjow turned to face him. "We're out of **bleach**."

"Oh dear, how are we supposed to wash our shirts without **bleach**?" Aizen sighed.

"Just go to the store and by so more damn **bleach**!" Grimmjow replied, angry that his shirt was still stained.

"We're all the way in Hueco Mundo, how do you expect me to get to the store to buy **bleach**?"

"How the fuck did you get a UPS truck here then?"

"Touché Grimmjow, touché."

"None of this would have happened if you didn't buy that retarded Sham-Wow."

"It's not nice to blame people Grimm-kun. I think we can all take blame for this." Aizen replied.

"Fuck you."

"It's not nice to curse Grimmy."

"Yeah Grimmjow!" Szayel shouted, sticking his tongue childishly.

Grimmjow went to punch the pink haired, glitter covered, freak when a hand full of glitter hit his face.

Aizen pointed at Grimmjow and laughed. "HA! Suck it bitch!" He said and high fived Szayel.

"I hate all of you."

"Awww Grimm-kun….. You don't mean that" Gin said, entering the laundry room to see what the commotion was.

"Hiya Ai-kun!" Gin smiled.

"Ahh Gin-kun. It's so nice to see you again!" Aizen said hugging Gin.

"By the way Gin have you seen any **bleach** around?" We really need some **bleach** to wash our shirts that we got wine and glitter on."

Gin put his hands to his cheeks and gasped "that's quit the predicament you guys have there. Is that we you are all shirts? Not that I mind though."

Grimmjow twitched in horror and disgust at what Gin said. "_Why isn't anyone else bothered by the perverted things Gin and Aizen say?" _ Grimmjow thought.

"Oh Gin you are so funny!" Aizen laughed, slapping Gin on the back.

"Oh Ai-kun I'm sure we have some **bleach **somewhere. Let's go look for it, together."

"What a great idea Gin-kun! You're so smart!"

Grimmjow face-palmed . "That's what we've been doing this whole time!" Grimmjow yelled.

"Grimmjow it's not nice to take credit for other people's ideas."

Grimmjow choose to ignore this as he continued to look for some **bleach**.

Several hours past with still no luck of finding any **bleach**. Tousen walked into the laundry room.

"What have you been up to in here all day?" He asked.

" It's just terrible Tousen-kun! We have been looking for a bottle of **bleach **all day and cannot find it!" Aizen cried.

"It's on the shelve above the dryer, next to the detergent, where it always is" Tousen said.

Sure enough, it was there. Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, and Szayel all face-palmed as Aizen and Gin were smiling at the fact they finally found the missing **bleach**.


	5. Mario Kart

GRIMMY-KUN! I turned around to see Aizen running and flailing his arms for me to stop walking. I stopped and waited for him to catch up to me. "Grimm… *huff *huff Jow". Aizen panted "Do you want to play Mario Kart with me on my newly purchased Nintendo Wii?"

I realized I had no choice as he dragged me into his 'special' room where he kept all of his wacky purchases. As soon as Aizen got the Wii started he handed me a controller. He put in the disc and loaded the game. I sighed as he told me to pick out a character. Aizen picked a mushroom looking character called Toad. "_Why would they name a mushroom Toad?"_ I thought to myself. "Why'd you pick that guy I asked out of curiosity of the strange character. "Because….. Toad gets all the bitches!" Aizen responded. I should have expected a strange answer like that. I sighed once again and chose a character named Bowser. _"This is going to be a long night." _

After a few races, I realized Aizen totally sucked at the game. I managed to come in 1st place almost every time, and Aizen managed to get 12th every time. I smirked as I saw how angry and frustrated he was getting. I was actually enjoying myself! Somewhere in the middle of the next race, Aizen still in last place threw my controller out of my hands in a desperate attempt to do better than me. "Hey!" I screeched at him. "Hay is for horses my dear Grimmjow" "You know what Aizen…. Fuck you." "That is no way to talk to your superior Grimm-kun" Aizen said pouting. "Fine I'm sorry. Can I stop playing this game now?" "Of course not!" Aizen responded happily. "Ugh…"


	6. Popipo

I was awoken from my sleep by the sound of irritating, loud music. "Damn…." I sighed as I realized I would not be able to fall back asleep. I curiously walked around till I found the source of the sound. Dear Kami I wish I didn't.

I found Aizen, Gin and Tousen dancing to the Hatsune Miku song Popipo.

I quickly ran out of the room and found the nearest bathroom and threw up.

If you don't know the song/dance, look it up and picture the three of them dancing to it. Then you'll know the trauma I've been through.


	7. Happy Pi Day

"Happy Pi day my dear Espada!" Aizen screamed as he entered the room. "Pie day? I didn't know pie had its own day" I asked innocently. "Now now for you uneducated people like Grimmjow, I'm talking about pi as in 3.14159265358979323846264338….. Aizen trailed off. Gin walked into the room wearing a red plaid apron and yellow oven mitts with pink flowers on them. He was carrying a big tray of pies. "Ai-kun I baked pies for you for pie day" Gin said smiling wide. "Oh Gin that was so thoughtful of you!" Aizen said, now crying waterfalls as he ran up to hug Gin. "I thought it was pi, not pie." I remarked. "Shut up Grimmy, at least Gin was being thoughtful, unlike you." Aizen said, sticking his tongue out childishly. "I'm out of here." I said as I turned around and started to walk out the door. All of a sudden I felt something burning hot on the back of my head. "FUCK!" I screamed. As I turned around I saw Aizen running away and giggling like a school girl. I was in no mood to chase him so I turned to the bathroom to take a shower and get the pie off the back of my head and neck.

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed the first chapters, you guys made my day~ **

**Questions? Comments? Ideas? Reviews are always welcomed xD**


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